Enter the unapologetic connoisseur of contradictions, the embodiment of the unexpected, the aficionado of electric eccentricities, and a character worthy of exploration.

Here are 18 reasons why you really need an electric car:

1. You’re a Tolstoy enthusiast who’s never quite conquered the monumental War and Peace. Fear not, for that long charging queue becomes your literary sanctuary where you can immerse yourself in 1,225 pages of Russian opulence while your electric steed gains its much-needed energy boost.

2. Fine dining at Chiswick, Margaret, and Quay is a given, but have you truly lived until you’ve sampled the delights of the local servo? Post-War and Peace, dive into the exquisite world of slurpees, gristly meat pies, and try-hard coffee at the gas station. Breakfast and lunch might just be a charging queue away. YOLO.

3. Forget Bill Gates and his private jets; your guilty pleasure is the toasty warmth of a winterized garage. Electric cars, much like their owners, detest the cold. Embrace the synergy by parking your electric chariot in a heated garage—a warm welcome indeed.

4. Having dabbled in the vaccine, insect, and windfarm markets, your financial portfolio is diverse, and now you’re eyeing a substantial tax break. The depreciation of your EV will outpace its traditional counterparts so why not amass a fleet to elegantly trim that hefty annual tax bill?

5. Hitchhiking adventures or solitary contemplation on a deserted country road, anyone? Electric cars need to charge frequently. So if you’re going on a long journey, there’s a chance you may not make it to the next EV charging station. This is where War and Peace also comes in handy.

6. Virtue signaling ascends to new heights as the Tesla logo joins forces with needles and any flag that isn’t your own country. The EV isn’t just a mode of transport; it’s your declaration of values to the world.

7. You have a longing for Victorian times and it’s not just the taxidermy and corsets. Children learned the value of money in those times. Maybe sending them down a coal mine wasn’t ideal but better than being stuck up a chimney and having someone light a fire. Child slave labor is alive and well today in Africa where children are used to mine cobalt by hand in order to produce the 60 pounds of cobalt needed for one EV battery.

8. Unveil your inner Victorian Goth with a penchant for blackouts, cold baths and for the truly avant-garde, cockroach milk. Electric cars may shine but the allure of darkness prevails in this world of renewables.

9. Coal mining is so pre-COVID. No, it’s lithium, cobalt, graphite, and aluminum all the way. A single EV battery needs 30 pounds of lithium, 60 pounds of cobalt, 130 pounds of graphite, and roughly 500 pounds of steel aluminum, manganese, plastic and other materials. Happy. Happy. Joy. Joy.

10. You’ve always wanted to live in a permanent Disneyland—believing that electric cars have zero emissions. California awaits.

11. Are you concerned about pollution emissions in first-world countries?
Just shift the burden to the third world where toxic substances required for EV batteries become an unavoidable reality.

12. Anything a diesel Mercedes C220 D can do your Tesla Model 3 can do better e.g. emit 11 to 28 percent more CO2 over the lifespan of the Mercedes.

13. You’re a great delegator and will happily delegate power regarding your movements to the government. Of course, they should be allowed to turn your car off at any time because SCIENCE.

14. Do you live in an inner city Teal electorate where electricity prices skyrocketing become inconsequential? Teal and Tesla go hand in hand. That $5,000 power bill is a small price to pay for coolness. And the seventh needle in your profile seals the deal for the ultimate in virtue signaling nonchalance.

15. MI5 dreams come true with a tracking device worthy of James Bond. And the cherry on top? Celebrating the gender and potential trans identity of 007 while cruising in your Tesla.

16. Do you have a soft spot for China? You can acknowledge their prowess in lithium processing 40 percent of the world’s raw lithium and dominating the market with an 80 percent share.

17. For you the intricacies of how the EV charges and the origin of coal-fired electricity remain a mystery. It’s battery-operated and that’s all that matters.

18. And then there are those with aerostatiophobia, an affliction not to be taken lightly. The genuine fear of gas stations, it seems is a reality. While it’s unfortunate to miss out on the gourmet treats these stations offer, the silver lining of a battery-operated car is the blissful avoidance of gas station visits altogether.

After all, who needs to confront their fears when the hum of an electric charge is music to your tax-saving ears?

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Hat Tip: Clash Daily